[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg