[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
⛄️
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.