Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’