[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
You Might Also Like
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I put the h in mysterious.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not