Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.