You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
thank god the sign was there
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911