I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Name another movie that mislead you?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
oh u like geography? name every lake
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.