[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.