[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account