[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!