[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You Might Also Like
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
wishing you and yours all the best
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me irl
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins