[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.