@thevirtualidiot: On second thought this "Thug's Life" tattoo probably shouldn't have been done in Comic Sans.
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@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
@Rhythms_n_Booze: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Honestly I'm so shit faced I have no idea.
@OurMarketingGuy: Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
@C_A_Guardiola: Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.