On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer