On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.