@krisv_723: On Sunday's I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it's not working & I own their soul.
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@TheAlexNevil: Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
@Parkerlawyer: Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, "I love you too!" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0
@justabloodygame: [shopping for make-up] "Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?" "I know exactly what you need." [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
@oscarewilde: doctor: do you have any questions? me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette? doctor: i meant about your antidepressants