On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
WHO DID THIS?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.