On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You Might Also Like
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”