On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
tis the season
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.