On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?