@rockymomax: WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@Dr_awfulpants: Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.

@LindaInDisguise: WHY *smack* DON'T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

@Playing_Dad: Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring

@BlindChow: [1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan