@WheelTod: "This isn't working out," I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

@LuvPug: You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog

@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

@shawnspree: You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.

@Bad_Ass_Trucker: Me: Did you hear that? Her: Go check it out Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first Her: You'll be alright