On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
i smell a pulitzer
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day