@10InchesPlus: On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn't spending recording or performing music.
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@WheelTod: "This isn't working out," I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@shawnspree: You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.