[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”