On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”