@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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@LaziestCanine: *beats a guitar hero song on expert mode* *changes Twitter bio to "musician/songwriter"*
@cambuslad: Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
@splashguts: I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
@GreenEyedJedi: I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.