@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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@JCautomatic: *4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
@Tmoney68: Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
@thepunningman: Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash. [Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
@timdonakowski: *stops next to punks at red light* *stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music* *light turns green, slowly accelerates*