ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Sheep
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
No Google it does not
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬