ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.