Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.