@brideylee: On the list of things I fear the most, "death" comes in as a close second to "audience participation"
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@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"
@PS_IRuddYou: This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
@dave_cactus: [me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*