On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Your honor these allegations are
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.