On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Hotels are back
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids