On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.