On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.