lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
this post was so formative to me
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”