@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out

@SequelsWeWant: Pet Cemetery 3: People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives. Somebody buries dinosaur bones. Jurassic Park ensues.

@biorhythmist: Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

@Dank_Pal: Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let's get started on some sailing basics. *Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@PinkLipschitz: Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.