[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I want what they have
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school