On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.