On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?