On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
You Might Also Like
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Interior design 👌
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
When your man makes a valid point
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?