If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Anyone else having a near life experience today?