[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper