My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
i can’t wait that long
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
That’s easy for you to say
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.