boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.