[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
You Might Also Like
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.