[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Last-minute gift idea!
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat