[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!