Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”