I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.