Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.