On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart