I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence