Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
step 6: release the wall snake
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose