[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You Might Also Like
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?