[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…