[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I have so many questions.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball